Spark

how many dates does it take to find that elusive spark? Sounds like the set up line to a bad, bad joke. Actually it's the set up to being single, single, single. I find it amusing how you can read someone's profile, look at a few pictures, exchange a few emails and agree to meet - hoping against all hope that there will be that 'spark' and you will want to see them again. Sometimes, you just have fun on that date and then go on a second one - and realize very quickly that the chemistry is missing - and even though they may be a great person - you know it is just not there. Now what to do? how do you handle it?

1. covertly...you become too busy to take calls, emails, texts...this is probably the easiest way but also tends to make me feel the absolute lousiest. you look at the phone sheepishly when they call...you're trying not to read the text when they text and an email? you just throw it in the trash because you know what it'll say: 'I had a great time last night, looking forward to seeing you again' or something inspirational like 'you're a great person, I'm glad I know you'....which just makes you feel like you belong under a rock. so why can't you feel for this person? They're nice to you, respectful...but there's no tingle, no spark.

...or maybe you have a few more guts and you handle it

2. overtly...you arrange to meet them, call them and say 'you know...i think you're a great person (at this point, most people know what's coming next) but I'm just not feeling the chemistry'...I have done this - to the ensuing rush of various rebukes: I've been called a dog (well a female one), self absorbed, mean and my personal favourite...'yeah well, i didn't really like you anyway...you, you...smell funny...and you're fat!' This alleviated my guilt (for a moment anyway) - that was until I started to giggle, and then full out laugh...then i got a drink in the face and the oh-so-well-documented profanity...and then guilt because I laughed - but I couldn't help it, it was just so juvenile - I pictured this guy kicking up sand in my sandbox when i was five.

or - how about trying a combination?

3. the halfie...so my chosen method might be to send the text...'i really enjoyed meeting you/but i just didn't feel that connection" or " I really enjoyed our date the other night but I just think we're looking for two different things. and ending with 'i wish you the best of luck.' sometimes, I get no response, sometimes I get a nasty text back wishing me luck in finding something meaningless...ouch!

So what's the best route...i'm feeling kind of chicken, can't handle a drink to the face, and not sure about the texting...a covert operation it is...unless I come up with something better...ideas? suggestions?

That elusive spark... it begs the question: in this on-line dating world - when is a good time to meet someone? Here's what I've tried...

1. look at picture - pass/fail. pass? move on to step 2

2. read profile...still interested? move on to step 3

3. send or return email - it should be noted step one is preceded by an introductory email, or shown up in a search. Say something witty and playful in email...try to be alluring without being sexual.

4. wait for response - interesting? agree to meet within a few days.

5. meet person - know within 10 seconds there is no spark, but try to make it anyhow.

6. 20 minutes later - wish you could come up with a reason to leave quickly. babble incessantly.

7. leave - and try to avoid the kiss/hug.

or scenario #2:

1. look at picture - pass/fail. pass? move on to step 2

2. read profile...still interested? move on to step 3

3. send or return email - it should be noted step one is preceded by an introductory email, or shown up in a search. Say something witty and playful in email...try to be alluring without being sexual.

4. wait for response - interesting?

5. repeat steps 1 through 4 for week or weeks. Realize that you are starting to fall for someone you haven't even met...yes, you are that much of a romantic. yes, you are that interested in talking and getting to know the person. yes, you are exactly what your mother said you were.

6. weeks later - agree to meet. your spine is atingle, you're nervous and giddy.

7.meet...and know within first 20 seconds that there is no spark, that time invested was spent on the person you 'thought' you were getting to know was for naught.

8. spend time on date - trying to convince yourself that it is there - you just are too nervous to see it. have too much wine/coffee and keep running to the bathroom, hoping against all hope that he will be gone one of the times you come back to the table.

9. end date with an eye-avoiding, foot shuffling good time. Say 'it was nice to finally meet you. i'll call you'...but you both know that's not in the cards.

10. go home and reread emails, wondering where you missed - then delete emails and know that it never was...you had romanticized it into something it never was.

So - what's the better route? I'm not sure...I can say that by spending some time getting to know the person has yielded better quality dates...but scenario one has yielded better stories to share with friends and coworkers.

The bottom line is - there has to be that spark. Even if it's just an ember - the casual brush of your hand, the casual brush of the hair from your face, the lock of the eyes when you can see into their soul...and something lights. That is what I am looking for. That is the quest. and something I am willing to risk another date to have.