good enough

Sooo, I was out with my girlfriends - celebrating a birthday party, and wishing I could enjoy myself but finding it extremely difficult as I sat there in pain. My back has not been the same since a car accident way back in 2002, and sometimes, if I push it a little too much, it acts up and leaves me wincing in pain or sitting there, trying hard to disguise the spasms.

It's times like these that I am overwhelmed by how much self pity I am capable of. It's disappointing really. I look across the table at my friends and realize how much I love them - and how there are pieces of each of them I wish I could copy and sew into my soul, in an effort to become a little more secure, a little more sure and a lot less 'me'. I am well known for my fairly constant attack on myself - and never feeling quite good enough.

Several months back, I had a male friend tell me that I was 'kinda fat but I was cute so it was okay'. It hurt. And, in true Serena fashion, I hold on to those words rather than the compliments I have received from other friends. Why do you think that is? What is it about me that makes me want to loathe me? (for Alice Cooper fans - that was dangerously close to my favourite song of all time "Is it my Body")

Self-loathing. is this a feminine condition? Why the incessant need to never feel good enough? To cut ourselves down until we teeter and twist, crashing our tender egos to the ground in a sobbing state of woe?

The irony is I am told that I exude confidence. This is something that confuses me. So far from the truth in so many aspects, but so true in others. I don't think I'm stupid. I do think I am worthy of love. I do have a sense of humour - and I tend to show it at the most inopportune times - but yes, it is something I am and feel comfortable about - comfortable in my own skin, as it were. But other areas, I don't feel that way. I lack that knowledge, that assuredness. So what to do? How do I build that.

My answer lies back at the pub where my friends sit and I think to myself that these people accept me for me. Perhaps I can obtain the attributes about them that I so admire, just by being around them. One of my friends is so very sure, very black and white - and from her I would like to glean her strength in character, and her unabashed belief in herself. Another friend is an overcomer - someone who is tried and true, content, loving and accepting. She continues to walk with her head held high, and looking for whatever life holds. Another is an optomist - snapping pictures every few minutes, looking to capture the moment, enjoying life and wanting to capitalize on everything that it has to offer - not a single moment wasted. Is it possible to capture these attributes, and insert them into my psyche. Then, perhaps I could accept me for me and stop measuring myself to an unrealistic ideal? Is it really possible for me to really feel good enough? Time - and acceptance - will tell.