Rules of Engagement

no, not the movie... although I did enjoy it and I do love Samuel L. Jackson, but I'm talking about a different set of rules for a different engagement. I mean the real RULES of engagement - the RULES of dating.

It has come to my attention as of late that perhaps I need to better define the rules and then maybe these dates wouldn't be so well, disappointing. There have been a few that I felt were promising but yielded nothing, so in true experimental fashion I have decided to do some research, collect the information and see what I come up with.

Having talked with my friends, and deemed that this research is both quantitative and qualitative, I will attempt to share their insights.

Here are their collective rules of engagement:

Rule #1. no first date shall last longer than 1.5 hours.
This has been difficult, and I didn't think it was my fault but after numerous discussions I have learned that this, regardless of blame, must be stopped. Apparently, my marathon dates (lasting 5+ hours) are an absolute no-no. The ideal date should be enough time to meet, exchange a few pleasantries, swap some stories but the most important part: should leave them wanting. Yes, they should WANT to spend more time with me, WANT to get to know me better. One date actually ground popcorn into the top of my head (think Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber - the face wash scene). This would have been avoided if I had kept the date to 1.5 hours because then he would have had the time to injest only 4 drinks instead of 6 prior to the movie - and yeah, he wanted more.

Rule #2. no stories of past jobs.
After discussing this at length with my friends, who were choking on their food and laughing at my expense, I have been schooled that these stories may be interpreted as somewhat, well, misleading as to who I am. I have worked at various adult watering holes over the years which have left me with some colourful stories to tell. I get nervous and resort to my humour. Self confessed, it's my crutch. However, these stories apparently are interpretted differently by the male species.
I think I'm sharing something funny. They think it's suggestive.
I think they're enjoying the story. They think I'm sleazy...
This is what my friends have indicated. So, no bar stories. End of story.

Rule #3. attentive listening.
This one may be a little more difficult. I get nervous. I start to talk. I feel this undeniable need to fill the empty air, but according to one of my friends: no, let them fill the air. Apparently, men love to talk about themselves. I need to grab the door, wedge it open with a pedicured and well heeled foot, and listen intently, hanging on their every word. I can do this. I am actually interested in what my date has to say...I just need to find a way to get him to open up and fill the empty air...it might be more fun to listen tohim tell embarrassing stories that he can second-guess himself over. Yes...I see the appeal here.

Rule #4. wait for it.
I am usually pretty good at this. I'm not the aggressive type and my one foray into this did not go well so my one girlfriend says, as she gayfully tosses her hair, 'just wait...the lures in the water, you're the fish and you're not going to nibble on just anything.' So, I am to wait and decide which line looks the best, take a closer look at the rod, then the fisherman and decide if I want to nibble.
This is a FUN analogy.

So these are my new rules. The romantic has approved them and the strategist sees their value.
I am going on another date later this week.
Let's see if the rules... rule.

I need a man

There I said it. It is hurting my tender female ego to say it, but I have just discovered that I do indeed need a man. Not 'want a man' but indeed need one. It's devastating to me, but it's the plain truth. A few hours ago it was so obvious to me and as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, it was becoming more and more evident with each passing moment.

Much like the Borg from Star Trek The Next Generation - Do not try to resist. Resistance is futile.

What brought on this blatant disregard for feminism? It was when I stepped out, intent on getting a few things done before the Riders win the Grey Cup (positive thinking, people, positive thinking...) The first task was to shovel the walk, and as I laboured away (food for thought - when buying a house and you think 'oh, wouldn't it be nice to have a double garage and the matching driveway, and oh, isn't it nice to have double front doors and the matching stairs...think about the shovelling...Are you seeing it? Not so nice now, is it?)

Back to my aching back...the driveway was packed. I had procrastinated and thought - this won't be so bad, I have the supplies: icepick, shovel, snowboots, mittens and the will to get'er done...but as I flexed and pushed, struggled and panted, I realized that it would be so much better if someone else was doing it...where were those annoying kids from last year who came to my door every week offering to shovel my snow for $20? I would hire you now - and maybe even give you more!!... but no matter how much i struggled, there was no getting around it.
I needed a man.

Sure, there's been times when I thought it would be nice to have a man - cuddle up and watch a movie with, someone to kiss, someone to dine with, go for walks with, and just spend romantic moments with - but this, this was different. This was a NEED - like water, shelter, food. I bloody well NEEDED someone to finish shovelling my driveway.

Thankfully, I didn't break into a full out panic and attack the man from across the street. I thought about it, but his wife already hates me for talking to him the other day (you should have seen the glares)...yes, I am now the single vixen in our lane. Anyway, as I eyed him, in my panic-driven, back-aching state, it came to me suddenly, and then I calmly put down the shovel, assumed a maidenly pose, took off my toque, gave my hair a model-type toss - letting the curly tresses cascade down my back...then turned back toward my house, opened the door and called my still-snoozing 20-year old son: "honey, mommy needs your help..." No more shovelling for me.
Then I smirked - triumphant at last. I HAVE a man. Necessity acquired.

the game...

wow...I was tired the other day, I mean really tired, and really was thinking that I should cancel my date for that evening. I had slept in this morning so I didn't have the time to do my hair and I was rushed dressing so I thought - wow, do I really want to go and meet someone looking this way?

and so I went but I knew it was going to be okay. I knew that my date wouldn't care - because that date was with my friend and she just wanted to hang out and exchange stories about life, and discuss the upcoming football game. Yes, I was a few minutes late - ever try park close to 11th Ave and 5th St SW in downtown Calgary rush hour? but we quickly began conversation and it wasn't long and i had shaken off the stress of the streets, the business of the day, and the worry about my lovelife.

She was very soothing and a great conversationalist with some really great advice. But it did get me to thinking, as so many situations do...why do we put ourselves through hell in preparation for a date? Why don't we just 'come as we are'...

I think it's because we're trying to make this great first impression, but if I really dig deep down, I know the real reason I put in that extra effort and maybe you can relate.
It's a game. It's part of the strategy in outwitting your opponent. Scoring the first point is important. It sets the mood for the rest of the date, and man willing, the dates to follow.

I actually talk to myself when I'm putting my makeup on - it's like a boxer preparing for a prize fight, it's my ultimate psyche up - 'you look good', 'are you ready for this?', 'is he ready for this?' and then I smirk and head toward the door. Dab on the perfume, put it in places that make me smile, places that are meant for me - and my confidence builds a little more. next it's the hair, trying to decide to go curly or straight, down or up...what image am i looking to convey? Do I want to look sexy and alluring? bookish and smart? again, the smirk crosses my lips. Next is the wardrobe - more about the image that I'm wanting to convey.

But it's still all a game...but in trying to make a good first impression, am I selling something that I am not? I know I am going to blow it as soon as I open my mouth anyway...so why the prep for the big game? Why don't I just come as I am and see if I fare any better?

Because I am really not quite that confident yet - I still feel the need to wear the mask (or the warpaint - wow, with some of these dates that is exactly what it feels like!), don the armour/wardrobe and head out to battle.

I have never been the aggressive type and I am noticing a trend in the men that I attract. I think they are all expecting some kind of sex kitten, some uber-sexy, uninhibited, ultra-sensual man-pleaser and hey, let's face it - that's not me. What am I? I'm a woman (that part I'll give them) but a shy, bashful, dynamic woman with many facets. I enjoy a variety of things and experiences, and I would like to explore even more. I would like to find someone who I feel comfortable enough to be myself around and explore new things, and maybe even let some of this 'genie' out of the bottle. I've never felt like I could trust someone enough to let it all go - which is a big truth to be putting out across the internet at my age - but it's there - whole and raw, Covered in warpaint but yearning for submission.

Appropriate or inappropriate

I do not always say the most appropriate things on a date. I tend to get a little nervous and resort to telling stories that I think will show that I have a sense of humour and that I am comfortable in my own skin. However, after the other night, I believe I have met the male version of me - inappropriate as all hell, because this guy really thought he was charming. What did he say? well let's narrow it down...

'I am endowed'...INAPPROPRIATE

what should a woman say to that - "Prove it"? He was talking about a woman asking him if he was 3 or possibly 4 fingers wide...and he assured me he was 'fine in that department'. I laughed nervously, and responded with my own inappropriate story about the time a guy whipped it out and lay it on the table for me....For you men out there - a little note: we don't like this. It doesn't impress us. You want to know what impresses us? When you can keep it in your pants - that's impressive.

The Nice Package story...INAPPROPRIATE

He followed the endowed speech with a nice fun-filled story of how he was at the bar and this woman sought him out. She had been eyeing him from across the bar, walked up to him and said "I saw your package from way over there and so I had to come say hi." Why, why would he tell me this? Should I have been impressed? Again - what did he expect my reaction to be? I laughed nervously and thought about the best possible way to get home...or at the very least out of this date.

'This girl I was dating....this other girl I was seeing...this other one I met" Geez, do I even have to say it? INAPPROPRIATE

I get it, he wanted me to know that other women have found him attractive, he's in high demand...if I snooze, I lose...but really I don't care. Find another subject matter to impress a new date with - how about talking about your career? interests you might have other than past dates? hobbies? sports? knitting?

'You're better looking than your picture'...a lie, but APPROPRIATE

we like compliments, even if we don't know how to take them. As long as there's some hint that it could be truthful, I can convince myself that he means it and I am ALL over it.

This date was memorable. I will forever remember having someone tell me they were endowed. I also am very close to writing my next blog on 'how to piss off a man in 10 emails or less'. This ice princess has a way with words...but that's for next time.

Amoral question

It is that time of the year when thoughts turn to snow, snow tires, lights on the house, Christmas shopping and the dreaded company Christmas party. Okay, so some of them aren't that bad, but others...others deserve to stay locked up in the vaults of past wrongdoings - oh, I could tell you about the Christmas party date from hell, but it's in the past and I don't want to run the risk of having that whole ugly scene replaying in my head...I can tell you that my date DID talk to our COO and yeah, it was about me....I am all ashudder just remembering it.

So I'm having lunch with a guy friend of mine - I've referred to him here. Hallmark and I started talking about my being single and him being effervescently in love and we landed on the subject of Christmas parties. Ah...the Christmas party. I had thought that I would be his date for his, but now that he's gaga, I'm off the hook - so to speak. And it got me thinking...

What if I were to put myself out as the proverbial Christmas party date? I would agree to come fully dressed (even appropriately I might add) and wouldn't that just be the funnest way to get through this holiday season? Because let's face it, there is a lot of romanticism around this holiday - there's family gatherings, snuggling by the fire, romantic holiday movies, etc - it's enough to make any single person gag on their eggnog and reach for another handful of shortbread cookies. So why not extend my very own form of Christmas cheer? I can laugh, act demure, hang on his arm, listen to all of his jokes, charm his coworkers and all with a pleasant and easy going or coquettish (whichever he prefers) smile on my face. It would alleviate the need for him to find a date, and not deplete my cookie and eggnog supply. I would also have the opportunity to meet and network with various people which is always good when you work professionally in the communications/marketing arena.

The only drawback may be the uh...need for dessert or the 'after the meal' drink or proverbial 'nightcap'. For that, I would not be on the menu, but I would most certainly guarantee a no-embarrassing date for the rest of the evening. I would limit my alcohol content to two (well possibly three, depending on the date).

I must ponder this some more. Is it moral, immoral or amoral? Do I have the Christmas balls to pull this off? and if I decide I will indeed be a "Christmas Belle" (ooh, will need to trademark that!), how best to market it? and why stop with just me...why not bring in a whole stable of potential Christmas dates, a "String of Lights" as it were...the possibilities are endless.

the kiss

I did it. Went on another date. Huge potential with this one. We had done Scenario 2 in Spark - which meant emails and emails, phone calls, texts and we really had something...on paper. And then we met - and there was no spark.

I think we prolonged the date hoping against all hope that something would ignite, that the magic from the emails might somehow find light in our meeting. I honestly can't speak for him, he asked if I wanted him to call me and I said yes but we both knew the truth. I even pushed it further by asking for a kiss (much to my surprise -perverse curiosity?) but it was not there. Nothing.

I have been thinking about that. Why did I ask for a kiss? I knew there was nothing, but I still wanted that definitive 'knowledge'. And it came - he leaned over and kissed me and the absolute knowledge that there was nothing there was so apparent I think you could cut it with a knife.

And after getting over the disappointment, deleting the emails and thinking 'oh well, maybe next time'...I am wondering why a kiss matters so much to me. is it the kiss itself? or the anticipation of it? I mean, I do recall (although it's been awhile) meeting someone, exchanging glances, locking on their eyes for a moment and then looking away because I could feel the rise of the heat in my face and was so sure that they could see the effect that they had on me. And, at the end of the date, he walked me back to my car, and then the awkward moment as we try to decide what to do next. This is where I love a man to take charge. If you're feeling it - kiss the girl. I'm not saying that you should grab her, paw her and lock your lips to hers, but you can step in, see if her pupils dilate (that means she likes you), put your hand casually on the side of her waist and then lean in, lips slightly parted and kiss her...I remember what this is like. and I long to have that feeling again. The rush. The delightful and heated feeling as you melt into him, and the next kiss comes - a little longer, a little deeper - and your head starts to spin.

So is it the anticipation? For me, somewhat. And I know that 'he' is out there and I also know that it will come when it comes, and for the time being I can spend some time sighing over disappointments, lamenting my romantic notions but confident in the knowledge that the kiss is coming...and it will be well worth the wait.

Balance

so prior to this last little while, I have been out of the dating scene - and once I decided it was time to try it again, I handled it like I handle everything else - full steam ahead. I was in the dating boat again, and I was paddling - not sure where i was going, but confident that it had to be 'that' way....so I've gone on a few, and i've spent some really great times with my girlfriends. I am a social butterfly these days.

Out with friends yet again last night and one of them said I think it's important that you're getting yourself out there, and you know? I tend to agree. Here's a woman that's stronger than most, beautiful inside and out, dealing with her own stuff...but offering me words of encouragement. I realize that I am a glutton for this attention. I sat there with three friends and soaked up the love. Amazing women - each with their own strengths, each with their own trials and tribulations. We are all so very different, but the common thread is the support we offer.

In my social butterfly period I have been flitting from one group to another with a few dates in between, and I really do feel grounded when I'm able to sit with my friends and just let it all hang out (figuratively, because if I did let it all out - they would have kicked us out of the restaurant).

It is becoming more and more clear to me as I paddle along that I want that in a potential mate as well. And this is odd to me - I have always prided myself on my ability to do it myself, how independent I was, how i did it all by myself, etc. and now I am looking for someone to allow me to fly but be able to come and land on them, soak up the support and then fly again. I'm also realizing that that flight pattern doesn't necessarily have to be separate from him either. Strange - I might have to ponder that some more.

In talking with friends who have amazing husbands, I have learned that they do just that. They're not absorbed in one another's lives - they each have their own 'thing' going on, but they do take the time to stop the flitting and land with one another, regroup, reconnect, reground and then carry on. I love to people watch, and sometimes I think I see these moments of reconnection - it's a shared moment. I strive for that in my next relationship.

The ultimate balance of You, Me and Us.

Do Over?

Confidence. yep, that's me. I ooooooze confidence. I am so confident that I blundered my way through a date...ahhhh, can i request a Do Over?

here's the back story:

Meet man on online dating site. look at picture: full head of hair, nice teeth (does it sound like i'm picking out a dog?) - decide you will email said man. Email him. exchange a few emails, talk on the phone (note - has a very masculine voice - bonus points) and agree to meet (see Spark - scenario 1).

Arrive at location, and see well dressed man in jeans and sport jacket. He turns around - nice. Full head of hair, nice teeth. Good boy.

proceed into date...realize that your hands are sweaty and you are wondering if he can see that. He appears unaware that you are incessantly wringing your hands and playing with your hair (note to self later - perhaps he was just too polite to say anything).

Enter delicate phase of date: you have to eat and drink in front of one another. Realize quickly that this date is cultured, quite refined. I decide (in error) that I can play on this field. I enjoy a martini - try to make small talk and realize I am stammering. Try to regain some semblance of control, search for words and end up resorting to Serena tip #1: how to scare off a potential match? resort to jokes. Did I mention that he was refined? Perhaps, the best thing wasn't to tell him about the time I propositioned two men for a threesome? I know what you're thinking - wtf? who does that? and my question to myself later: wtf? who does that?! Uh, apparently - that would be me. Allow me to explain :The 'threesome experiment' was for the benefit of my girlfriend. True story - she had just been dumped and was feeling down, we were out at a club (many moons ago - I am too old for these now) and she insisted that women have no power, and I said we do too, we can get pretty much anything as long as we are confident...and to prove my point - I approached two strange men. They were shocked, surprised - and even laughed as my friend and I revealed the rationale. They whole heartedly agreed with me - women do indeed have power. My intent was not to have a threesome, my intent was to show my friend that a little confidence allows you to do things/say things - even if they're shocking and off the wall - and get away with it, plus it opens the door.

I like shocking people...apparently not a good thing to do on a refined date.

Let's get back to that date, shall we? I am smart enough to realize my blunder, but not smart enough to avoid adding to it. I then proceeded to babble...incessantly. It's strange: I recalled that I was listening to him speak, looking into his blue eyes (which were hot btw) and then there was this annoying chirpy sound that interrupted him. It grew louder and louder, then it repeated itself - (oh, those are words?), a high pitched voice and a twittery laugh...where was that coming from?...YOU know where it was coming from - that's right, Serena with full blown First Date Verbal Diarrhea.

I am still not sure why he stayed on the date (it lasted about 4 hours). Maybe he thought I would say something redeeming, who knows. He was a gentleman though - walked me to my car and even gave me a hug with the obligatory "i'll call you" which he didn't. I even gave him a little peck on his cheek (I thought he sort of chuckled at that, but really - looking back, I think he recoiled and grimaced).

Is it too much for me to ask for a Do Over? It's not my pride that keeps me from calling,texting or emailing, it's just I can't think of how I could possibly redeem myself. Addicted to crack and I was coming down? no, that won't work. I have split personalities and the one with the Sexual Turrets showed up? no, I'm sure he's heard that before. I guess I'll just have to accept that some things can't be undone and hopefully i've learned my lesson: Sharing Threesome Experiment is a second date story.

Spark

how many dates does it take to find that elusive spark? Sounds like the set up line to a bad, bad joke. Actually it's the set up to being single, single, single. I find it amusing how you can read someone's profile, look at a few pictures, exchange a few emails and agree to meet - hoping against all hope that there will be that 'spark' and you will want to see them again. Sometimes, you just have fun on that date and then go on a second one - and realize very quickly that the chemistry is missing - and even though they may be a great person - you know it is just not there. Now what to do? how do you handle it?

1. covertly...you become too busy to take calls, emails, texts...this is probably the easiest way but also tends to make me feel the absolute lousiest. you look at the phone sheepishly when they call...you're trying not to read the text when they text and an email? you just throw it in the trash because you know what it'll say: 'I had a great time last night, looking forward to seeing you again' or something inspirational like 'you're a great person, I'm glad I know you'....which just makes you feel like you belong under a rock. so why can't you feel for this person? They're nice to you, respectful...but there's no tingle, no spark.

...or maybe you have a few more guts and you handle it

2. overtly...you arrange to meet them, call them and say 'you know...i think you're a great person (at this point, most people know what's coming next) but I'm just not feeling the chemistry'...I have done this - to the ensuing rush of various rebukes: I've been called a dog (well a female one), self absorbed, mean and my personal favourite...'yeah well, i didn't really like you anyway...you, you...smell funny...and you're fat!' This alleviated my guilt (for a moment anyway) - that was until I started to giggle, and then full out laugh...then i got a drink in the face and the oh-so-well-documented profanity...and then guilt because I laughed - but I couldn't help it, it was just so juvenile - I pictured this guy kicking up sand in my sandbox when i was five.

or - how about trying a combination?

3. the halfie...so my chosen method might be to send the text...'i really enjoyed meeting you/but i just didn't feel that connection" or " I really enjoyed our date the other night but I just think we're looking for two different things. and ending with 'i wish you the best of luck.' sometimes, I get no response, sometimes I get a nasty text back wishing me luck in finding something meaningless...ouch!

So what's the best route...i'm feeling kind of chicken, can't handle a drink to the face, and not sure about the texting...a covert operation it is...unless I come up with something better...ideas? suggestions?

That elusive spark... it begs the question: in this on-line dating world - when is a good time to meet someone? Here's what I've tried...

1. look at picture - pass/fail. pass? move on to step 2

2. read profile...still interested? move on to step 3

3. send or return email - it should be noted step one is preceded by an introductory email, or shown up in a search. Say something witty and playful in email...try to be alluring without being sexual.

4. wait for response - interesting? agree to meet within a few days.

5. meet person - know within 10 seconds there is no spark, but try to make it anyhow.

6. 20 minutes later - wish you could come up with a reason to leave quickly. babble incessantly.

7. leave - and try to avoid the kiss/hug.

or scenario #2:

1. look at picture - pass/fail. pass? move on to step 2

2. read profile...still interested? move on to step 3

3. send or return email - it should be noted step one is preceded by an introductory email, or shown up in a search. Say something witty and playful in email...try to be alluring without being sexual.

4. wait for response - interesting?

5. repeat steps 1 through 4 for week or weeks. Realize that you are starting to fall for someone you haven't even met...yes, you are that much of a romantic. yes, you are that interested in talking and getting to know the person. yes, you are exactly what your mother said you were.

6. weeks later - agree to meet. your spine is atingle, you're nervous and giddy.

7.meet...and know within first 20 seconds that there is no spark, that time invested was spent on the person you 'thought' you were getting to know was for naught.

8. spend time on date - trying to convince yourself that it is there - you just are too nervous to see it. have too much wine/coffee and keep running to the bathroom, hoping against all hope that he will be gone one of the times you come back to the table.

9. end date with an eye-avoiding, foot shuffling good time. Say 'it was nice to finally meet you. i'll call you'...but you both know that's not in the cards.

10. go home and reread emails, wondering where you missed - then delete emails and know that it never was...you had romanticized it into something it never was.

So - what's the better route? I'm not sure...I can say that by spending some time getting to know the person has yielded better quality dates...but scenario one has yielded better stories to share with friends and coworkers.

The bottom line is - there has to be that spark. Even if it's just an ember - the casual brush of your hand, the casual brush of the hair from your face, the lock of the eyes when you can see into their soul...and something lights. That is what I am looking for. That is the quest. and something I am willing to risk another date to have.