the game...

wow...I was tired the other day, I mean really tired, and really was thinking that I should cancel my date for that evening. I had slept in this morning so I didn't have the time to do my hair and I was rushed dressing so I thought - wow, do I really want to go and meet someone looking this way?

and so I went but I knew it was going to be okay. I knew that my date wouldn't care - because that date was with my friend and she just wanted to hang out and exchange stories about life, and discuss the upcoming football game. Yes, I was a few minutes late - ever try park close to 11th Ave and 5th St SW in downtown Calgary rush hour? but we quickly began conversation and it wasn't long and i had shaken off the stress of the streets, the business of the day, and the worry about my lovelife.

She was very soothing and a great conversationalist with some really great advice. But it did get me to thinking, as so many situations do...why do we put ourselves through hell in preparation for a date? Why don't we just 'come as we are'...

I think it's because we're trying to make this great first impression, but if I really dig deep down, I know the real reason I put in that extra effort and maybe you can relate.
It's a game. It's part of the strategy in outwitting your opponent. Scoring the first point is important. It sets the mood for the rest of the date, and man willing, the dates to follow.

I actually talk to myself when I'm putting my makeup on - it's like a boxer preparing for a prize fight, it's my ultimate psyche up - 'you look good', 'are you ready for this?', 'is he ready for this?' and then I smirk and head toward the door. Dab on the perfume, put it in places that make me smile, places that are meant for me - and my confidence builds a little more. next it's the hair, trying to decide to go curly or straight, down or up...what image am i looking to convey? Do I want to look sexy and alluring? bookish and smart? again, the smirk crosses my lips. Next is the wardrobe - more about the image that I'm wanting to convey.

But it's still all a game...but in trying to make a good first impression, am I selling something that I am not? I know I am going to blow it as soon as I open my mouth anyway...so why the prep for the big game? Why don't I just come as I am and see if I fare any better?

Because I am really not quite that confident yet - I still feel the need to wear the mask (or the warpaint - wow, with some of these dates that is exactly what it feels like!), don the armour/wardrobe and head out to battle.

I have never been the aggressive type and I am noticing a trend in the men that I attract. I think they are all expecting some kind of sex kitten, some uber-sexy, uninhibited, ultra-sensual man-pleaser and hey, let's face it - that's not me. What am I? I'm a woman (that part I'll give them) but a shy, bashful, dynamic woman with many facets. I enjoy a variety of things and experiences, and I would like to explore even more. I would like to find someone who I feel comfortable enough to be myself around and explore new things, and maybe even let some of this 'genie' out of the bottle. I've never felt like I could trust someone enough to let it all go - which is a big truth to be putting out across the internet at my age - but it's there - whole and raw, Covered in warpaint but yearning for submission.