The truth is in the rant

So, it's birthday season in my little circle of friends. We celebrate some birthdays, some milestones and some experiences over a few too many glasses of wine. Loving the malbecs, by the way, they are an argentinian wine with a full flavour, leaving delightful hints of spice and oak for a finish. LOVE them.

but, I digress, so let's get back to the story.

Because it's birthday season, I am often finding myself at the card store. This time, I decided to take one of my friends with me. I thought it might be fun for us to look over the cards together - exchange witticisms over some of the cheesier lines, lament over the ones with the hot young bucks on them, etc, etc, etc...so I am standing by the 'humourous' section and she is standing by the 'Ann Geddes' section - and I'm sorry, I know a lot of people love the little babies propped up into leaves and flowers but I personally am reminded of Jonathan Swift's 'A Modest Proposal' and I start thinking about salt and pepper. Don't know the reference? Look it up and then go eat your spawn.

Again with the digression...

Back to the card store and trying to pick out a birthday card. I start hearing these heavy grunts and snorts, so I turn to look at my friend. She's standing in the middle of the aisle, hands on her hips, looking at the cards and getting very red in the face as she 'hummmphs' and 'tsks' some more. She's angry - you can see the flints of fury in her eyes. She notices me looking at her and spits out the following (I can't use quotation marks, but I'm hoping you can imagine a 40-ish woman, hands on hips, veins bulging from the side of her neck, eyes flashing, nostrils flaring, slapping the front of her chest. spit flying from her mouth as she lays this out in a steady, octave-climbing soliloquy):

Do you see this? Do you see these cards? They're disgusting. I mean really disgusting! This just irks me! No, it downright makes me f**in' mad!! 'To my Wife'... To my darling Wife... To my Sweetheart... To the woman I love....Do you see this? THIS is why it took so long for us to get the vote!! THIS is why we still suffer under the oppression of men! Even on our birthdays, we are still nothing without him. Do you see it? To MY wife, to MY sweetheart, to MY darling...we don't even need to have names anymore! We're just a mere possession to men - my this, my that - can you believe it?? We're HIS and that's all that matters!! We're no different than his car, his shoes...he's PISSED on this stick and now IT'S HIS. Do you notice - we don't have a name anymore? Just his possession - and did you notice how every man you get involved with comes up with some stupid pet name for you? HUGABOO? BUTTONS? MUFFIN? Do those ring a bell??- those names are HIS names for you, because your name no longer matters! You no longer matter! You are nothing outside of him! Your existence is FOR HIM, BECAUSE OF HIM AND ONLY FOR HIM...that's why I'm single!! that's why I know that I DO NOT NEED A MAN!!....

I stood there, hearing her rant and trying unsuccessfully to interject with 'they're terms of endearment' and 'did you see the similar ones for the husbands?' but she was not having it. She was almost screaming the last of it:'that's why I'm single! that's why I know that I DO NOT NEED A MAN....'

My answer? You say that's why I'm single, why you know you don't need a man? No, sweetheart, that's why you need to get laid...get rid of some of that angst with a good strong shudder...and maybe a glass of malbec.