Staying alive

The day started with the same routine, the clock radio goes off, blaring the music, and I hit the snooze button as often as I can (noticing I can get ready in 10 minutes now – not bad for a woman!)

I come down the stairs - thinking over things that have transpired in the last couple of months. What I had hoped for. what I had wanted – and then it rushes in. do all 30 something women feel that their life is a disappointment? Or is this just me? I tear up, morose and stuck in my own feelings of inadequacy. Inadequacy because I am overweight, dissatisfied with my self, my career, my marriage and then I voiced it: “I’m almost 40 years old and wishing I was dead…I have nothing to look forward to.” And then I drive off. Heading into work, angry and disappointed. Frustrated with my inability to enjoy my own life, wishing it would just end.

Nothing seemed to be going right – too much traffic, too much sunlight and too many people confused as to which one was the gas pedal – even the radio station I listen to every morning was playing all of the wrong music. I swore at it – and changed the station, jabbing at the presets to find something that would not irritate me. I had to leave it alone, to make my turn, and through my gloom lyrics starting filtering into my head. The Bee Gees were singing to me: “stayin’ alive, Life goin’ nowhere. Somebody help me. Somebody help me, yeah…”

I had to smile – quite in spite of myself. My whole life I have dealt with things through my humour – not all have understood it, but it is my coping mechanism, so it seems perfectly normal to me to know that God speaks to me in the way I would understand. As a professional in the communications field, I know the importance of communicating in a style and in the way (or vehicle) that your audience best would understand it. So why would it seem strange to anyone that God – the most competent communicator of all – would not know this as well?

Even in my self-deprecating and loathing – He managed to reach me. And I know that “somebody help me” is meant for me to pray, because Somebody will help me, even when I am not being as I should, even when I have fallen short and am angry and swearing, He gently pulls me back to Him by putting a smile on my face, and prayer back in my heart.

Why the waffle?

I know, I know...at this point you're thinking - why write about breakfast? is it about choices? do I go with the bacon and eggs... or the pancakes? how about something decadent - like the strawberry and cream topped belgian waffle? I think that waffles were put on the menu for people like me. you know, the indecisive types. We literally - er, waffle:)

I mean, I know the bacon and eggs isn't particularly good for me. I know that it is what I am used to - and that seems to make it all the more easier to stick to it, but then I start thinking: that bacon, well it's not great for the thighs, not great for the heart and those arteries that pump my blood around, and come to think of it, that 'over easy' egg really isn't all that OVER easy...it's not too good for me either. But it's what I'm used to...so I'll stick with it...OR:

there's the pancakes. I can rationalize that I can order them whole wheat (that's good for me, right?) and then I can choose to add butter or syrup, or jam. but it's not what I'm used to, and that's a little scary. what if I don't like them? what if they're sticky? what if they taste like kaka?

Back to the waffle. I so often waffle. big decisions. little decisions. I just can't quite decide. I have been criticized for asking people what they think about some pretty personal stuff. I like to get advice. I like to hear what other people think on the matter - and then I can weigh it out and make up my mind. I don't think it's such a bad way to do things. I contend that it provides me with options and insights that I might not have come up with on my own. Afterall, isn't there wisdom in a multitude of counsel? Isn't that written somewhere?

Perhaps that's what the waffle is: a choice. a choice between something you know isn't good for you but it's what you know...and the other is something not ventured, something you've heard about, maybe even seen someone else enjoy but have never tried yourself. The waffle then is the middle ground - the option...something to sate the appetite until you're ready to try that something new.

Am I really talking about breakfast?