Staying alive

The day started with the same routine, the clock radio goes off, blaring the music, and I hit the snooze button as often as I can (noticing I can get ready in 10 minutes now – not bad for a woman!)

I come down the stairs - thinking over things that have transpired in the last couple of months. What I had hoped for. what I had wanted – and then it rushes in. do all 30 something women feel that their life is a disappointment? Or is this just me? I tear up, morose and stuck in my own feelings of inadequacy. Inadequacy because I am overweight, dissatisfied with my self, my career, my marriage and then I voiced it: “I’m almost 40 years old and wishing I was dead…I have nothing to look forward to.” And then I drive off. Heading into work, angry and disappointed. Frustrated with my inability to enjoy my own life, wishing it would just end.

Nothing seemed to be going right – too much traffic, too much sunlight and too many people confused as to which one was the gas pedal – even the radio station I listen to every morning was playing all of the wrong music. I swore at it – and changed the station, jabbing at the presets to find something that would not irritate me. I had to leave it alone, to make my turn, and through my gloom lyrics starting filtering into my head. The Bee Gees were singing to me: “stayin’ alive, Life goin’ nowhere. Somebody help me. Somebody help me, yeah…”

I had to smile – quite in spite of myself. My whole life I have dealt with things through my humour – not all have understood it, but it is my coping mechanism, so it seems perfectly normal to me to know that God speaks to me in the way I would understand. As a professional in the communications field, I know the importance of communicating in a style and in the way (or vehicle) that your audience best would understand it. So why would it seem strange to anyone that God – the most competent communicator of all – would not know this as well?

Even in my self-deprecating and loathing – He managed to reach me. And I know that “somebody help me” is meant for me to pray, because Somebody will help me, even when I am not being as I should, even when I have fallen short and am angry and swearing, He gently pulls me back to Him by putting a smile on my face, and prayer back in my heart.