In the boat

It's strange to be the 'holding onto my 30s' and single again. i have a few friends in the same boat - morose over the idea, excited about it, scared about it, bitter about it - pick a feeling! someone is experiencing it in some form or another. Me? i feel a little of it all. I went out on a date last night - and although he was very nice, and very complimentary - I didn't feel that spark and so I know my search continues. After I returned home, going over some emails, first personal and then work ones, I lay back and relaxed...thinking about my friends, some of their thoughts and urgings and then what it's like to be me - and I have to say I smiled (first a little impish, then it grew until I was lying there grinning like a cheshire cat). It's not that my life is 'all that' - it's that I see the potential of it for being 'all that' and despite different faux pas and disturbing choices, I am sure that this growing ember of excitement inside me is leading me to new horizons - and that's putting a little jump in my step.

I speak of my friends and I being in the same boat - we're all back in the big (or not so big) dating pond, and we're in this boat. There's amazing women in this boat - wonderful, thoughtful, smart, sexy, alluring, compassionate, giving - and they're breathtaking. They are decked out in their very best, hair perfectly coiffed, makeup (professionally done, of course) is immaculate, teeth are straight, posture is faultless - and they wait. and sure enough - different types of men come to them. Some are in boats themselves, some are swimming up and casually swimming around - just wanting to get a better look, some are aggressive and are trying to pull themselves into our boat (I am also aggressive; aggressively slapping their hands away:).

Another friend sits in the footwell of the boat - she is very different. Preferring to stay in the shadows, thoughtful and watchful. She likes to watch, take in her surroundings - is the eternal confidant and always very wise as she sees what most people miss. She sits, sees the hands coming over the sides, watches the men and decides which of those she will want to approach. Sometimes - she simply doesn't. She's not scared of time, no fear she will be alone - she simply wants to be sure that who she chooses is someone that is compatible.

And then there's me. I can't sit. I can't wait. I must do. It's not the fear of being alone or wanting to create something that is not there - it's that restlessness, that unsettled feeling that I haven't arrived but with each passing day it's getting closer. It's my adventure. My quest. I am in the boat, and I have thrown myself against the side and paddled vigorously with my hands - then, when one of the men got too close, I finagled his oar from him (he was beguiled by my perfectly coiffed friend) and now I am paddling my way forward - I must do, must see what that alluring shape is in the distance, see what's in store and I am grinning at the thought of it.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with any of my friends' approaches to this dating scene. I think what is wrong is when you don't trust yourself enough to be true to your approach. The fun truly lies in the journey - so if you're 'faking' it - what fun will that be?